(A Tactical Guide for Those Traveling with Kids, Cases, or Regrets)
Congratulations! You’ve committed to spring break travel. You are now the responsible adult for a group of small humans, large equipment cases, or—God help you—both. The good news? It’s doable. The bad news? So is skydiving without a parachute.
But with the right preparation, you might survive this. Maybe even thrive. (But probably just survive). Let’s get into it.
RULE #1: LUGGAGE IS AN ILLUSION. TAKE LESS.
Checking baggage is for people who trust the universe. And the universe has proven—time and time again—that it cannot be trusted.
Traveling for work? Your gear will be mishandled. TSA will open that case labeled “fragile” just to poke your expensive equipment with a pen.
Traveling with kids? You’ll think you need to pack four outfit changes per day, but really, they’ll insist on wearing the same sticky hoodie for the entire trip.
The move?
- Carry-on only. Unless legally required otherwise.
- Compression bags. Because you need to fit three weeks of existential panic into one regulation-size roller bag.
- A collapsible coat. Because spring weather is a liar.
RULE #2: PACK LIKE YOU’RE ENTERING A POST-APOCALYPTIC WASTELAND.
Your real carry-on isn’t luggage—it’s a survival kit for avoiding a complete breakdown.
Essential Items for Those Traveling with Cases:
- Dishwashing wipes & a collapsible bowl. Because you could trust hotel glassware… or you could be smart.
- An espresso hand press. Because caffeine deprivation is a crime against humanity.
- A Sharpie. Label everything, including your sense of self-worth.
Essential Items for Those Traveling with Kids:
- Snacks. If you think you have enough, you don’t.
- iPads pre-loaded with content. Because “No Wi-Fi?!” is a fight you do not want to have at 35,000 feet.
- Bribes. This could be fruit snacks. This could be cash. No judgment.
RULE #3: TRUST NO SURFACE.
Airplanes are flying tubes of disease, sorrow, and questionable decisions. You know that tiny wet wipe they give you? Use it.
Things You Must Wipe Down Immediately:
- The tray table. (Especially if your kid is about to lick it.)
- The seatbelt buckle.
- The armrests.
- Your entire row if you have the energy.
The only clean thing on the plane is the air. (It’s actually HEPA-filtered. The tray table? Probably cleaned last when legroom was a basic human right.)
RULE #4: NEVER UNDERESTIMATE BOREDOM. IT IS YOUR ENEMY.
The human brain needs stimulation. If you don’t provide it, chaos will ensue.
For Work Travelers:
- Pre-load all content. Do not gamble on in-flight Wi-Fi. That’s like trusting a raccoon to babysit your sandwich.
- Noise-canceling headphones. Not just for work—for your own emotional stability.
- A motivational soundtrack. To drown out turbulence and the guy in 12B.
For Kid-Wranglers:
- iPads. Fully charged. With backup chargers.
- Headphones. Because the entire plane does not need to hear Peppa Pig.
- A backup entertainment plan for when your first plan inevitably fails.
RULE #5: BRIBERY IS A PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE FORM OF DIPLOMACY.
If you’re on a work trip:
- Bring your flight attendant a snack. Yes, seriously. Flight attendants control access to extra snacks and better seats. You do the math. (Bonus points for something wrapped, shareable, and actually good—think chocolate, protein bars, or fancy trail mix. Not a squished granola bar from the bottom of your bag.)
- Befriend the gate agent. They hold the fate of your upgrade in their hands. A smile is a bribe these days, and it costs way less than first class (but could get you there).
If you’re traveling with kids:
- Bribe everyone. The kid, the seat neighbor, the entire row if necessary.
- Accept that you will owe someone a favor by the time this is over.
RULE #6: EMBRACE YOUR FATE. IT’S TOO LATE TO TURN BACK NOW.
At some point during the trip, you’ll think, “Why did I do this?” Maybe it’s when your client sends a 3 AM email demanding a last-minute PowerPoint revision. Maybe it’s when your child decides to lose a shoe in the security line.
The key to travel survival:
- Laugh at the absurdity.
- Expect one absolute disaster. And at least three minor mishaps.
- Pack extra snacks. And then double it. Trust me.
At the end of the day, spring break travel is an endurance challenge. Whether you’re hauling cases or kids, the only way out is through.
